umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
God, I missed his penis.
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