I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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