when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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