i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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