I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
