He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
