Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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