you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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