I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
