all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
