when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
