so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
