I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
