but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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