Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
