Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
In other news, I just burned my penis
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
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