I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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