Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
