she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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