using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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