his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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