Who wears a wallet chain?!
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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