Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
