Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
