I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
