I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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