The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
