I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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