My sheets look like a crime scene.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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