Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
