Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
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