Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
