New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
