The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
