I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
