i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
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i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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