Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
