Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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