I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Randomize
