I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
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Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
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All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?