last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
25 People Confess What They’re Shamefully Attracted To
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.