also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The air taste purple.
Randomize
