Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.