Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
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Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
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No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.