if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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