I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid