I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
