He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
