and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
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I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
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I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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