I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
