he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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