My cat gives me a boner
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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