That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
