I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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