why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
