im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
