If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
