I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
