making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
